Why Are We So Out of Touch?

I'm going to begin this entry with some definitions to avoid confusion about what I'm saying about this very touchy subject. When I say "eroticism," I am referring to contact that, intentionally or not, has a sexual component. When I say "sensuality," (I haven't looked in the dictionary . . . this is my working definition) I mean the NON-SEXUAL bodily contact that all animals require to maintain their psychological health.

And now to get to my point. Americans are so freaked out -- and with very good reason -- about child abuse, that we carry our caution to extremes and deny our kids the sensual contact that they -- and we -- need.

Strangely enough, I guess I began thinking about this when I was lying in bed with my dogs. I get immense sensual pleasure from being close to them and stroking them, but I certainly do NOT want to have sex with them. As I said, and as psychologists have proven, non-erotic touch benefits animals in general and humans in specific.

Of course this means that children need to be touched. They need to be hugged and kissed and caressed in appropriate ways. Many years ago, I had a job as a teacher's assistant for a kindergarten class in a Los Angeles public school. Very early on, the teacher told me that under no circumstances should I let a child sit on my lap because of the potential for misinterpretation by a parent or other adult. While I agree that the teacher did me a favor by warning me about the danger, I also thought, "How very, very sad that we live in a world where an adult can't let a 5-year-old child sit on his lap." And how tragic the loss of opportunities for healthy connection.

But what can we do? Child abuse is a very common and very serious problem. As I've said in other entries, I have no solution to offer, but I think it's important to realize what we are missing and think about what it's doing to us and our children.

Dysfunctional or Typical?

Cliff and I went to see "Little Miss Sunshine" this evening, and we found it very touching, very funny and borderline profound. We also agreed that it's a shoe-in when the Screen Actors Guild hands out the award for ensemble acting next year.

So here's the problem I have. Every time I hear anything about this film, the person commenting invariably refers to the "dysfunctional" family portrayed therein. Dysfunctional? Did they say some mean and hurtful things to each other? Yes. Did they all have neuroses and personal problems that made their relationships difficult? Of course. Could they have been better at taking care of each other? Without a doubt. You've already figured out that I'm going to challenge anyone to find a family for which these things are not true.

But there are plenty of things they do right. Without a second thought, Sheryl takes responsibility for her suicidal brother and takes him into her home. The family has also offered asylum to Grandpa who has been kicked out of his senior-living situation. I should also mention the fact that they eat dinner as a family, a tradition which, I am bewildered to hear, people must be reminded is a good idea these days.

Let me get to the central part of the story: Olive wants very badly to compete in the Little Miss Sunshine Pageant, and her family goes to extremes to assist her fulfillment of that dream. When I look at the other little girls participating in the pageant, I can't help but assume that their elaborate costumes and makeup, those professional performances reflect their parents' very high standards rather than those of the girls. Is there any doubt that the mothers we see in the audience could give Mama Rose a run for her money? In contrast, Olive does her own thing in the pageant, admittedly with Grandpa's help, but without being pushed by anyone. So which families are dysfunctional?

Most importantly, there are several moments in the film when the family members express their love and support for each other IN SO MANY WORDS. What's more, we can see how sincere these expressions of affection are. How many families are lax about expressing these things? And that's the bottom line. We know that there is real love and concern among the Hoovers.

So while there are many things that the Hoovers teach us NOT to do as families, there are plenty of things that they do as well as if not better than most families. Let's stop calling them dysfunctional and admit that, for better or for worse, they are a typical family.